When You Can't Get a Word In Edgewise ...

Friday morning I woke up at 3:00, made a quick cup of coffee, and loaded Jen, the last couple bags, and my cup of coffee into the car. By 3:30 we were on the road, and, roughly 10 hours later, were down in St. Louis for a short vacation. The car ride was quiet. I thought. A lot.

The other day I made the comment that most writers, especially bloggers, probably write what they need to read more than what their audience needs to read. I still believe that to be true, but I also think there is an area of our lives for which the same principle can be applied even more relevantly. Most people say what they need to hear. With an increase in anger comes an increase in this truth. By the time someone is actually yelling, I think there is very little communicating going on. Well, actually, there is a lot of communicating, it just has nothing to do with what the yeller thinks is being communicated.

But this is not all bad. Every social interaction provides an opportunity to learn. We typically think of speaking as a give and take of information with the speaker giving and the listener receiving. And, so the thinking goes, this back-and-forth give-and-take brings about a transference of knowledge and ideas and provides growth upon the receipt thereof. Sometimes, maybe even frequently, it may happen just like that.


It is a rare person who is able to maintain the mental control of really considering the position and needs of the other while at the same time allowing there emotions to rise. There is something self-centered about most anger. I remember a client I had once who scared me to death. He loved the adrenaline rush that came with anger and he would deliberately release his self control to feed that rush. That same ego-centrism shows in almost all yelling. By that time, the speaker is only dispensing that which feeds his need for release and the continued emotional high.


Every stock market crash provides buying opportunities. In like fashion, every time the normal give and take of communication breaks down there are also new opportunities. What I have come to realize is that if you can maintain a decent boundary-oriented distance, it is possible to learn a tremendous amount through the other person's anger for, at that moment, the speaker is telling you word for word what they themselves most fear, or find disgusting, or find uncomfortable. Just as the person you most dislike at a party is the one who has the issues you most dislike in yourself, so to the issues which generate the most anger when speaking are the issues you most struggle with yourself.

So, as listener, how do you use the experience for good? Once again it is all about relationship. Listen, absorb, and recognize the amazing glimpse you just had into someone's life with all the pretense stripped away. Take that information, recognize their vulnerabilities, and commit to caring for them, including taking into consideration their new-found weaknesses, in an even more complete way.