What Is A Friend?

I had two experiences today which made me think about relationships. And that made me think of the idea of friends. And that made me think about defining friendship since my personality really likes to block and define and categorize things. And I decided that I don't know.

The first thing that happened is that I had a series of email exchanges with the attorney who handles that portion of the state bar which monitors any outstanding fees. I am in the process of applying to get my law license back and one of the things I need to do is show that my financial house is in order. I know there are monies owed and we have been having a discourse about the amount, timing, and necessity of paying up. What surprised me is the tone of his emails. There is an old joke about 99% of all attorneys giving the rest a bad name and this would tend to fit that trend. It strikes me that it is mutually advantageous to resolve this promptly and equitably. But, and I have noticed this more often than not, lawyers hear that we are in an adversarial system and seem to quickly train themselves to be adversarial pricks right out of the box. Here, we are more colleagues than opponents but still, basic civility is non-existent.

The second thing that happened was that Jen mentioned that one of her sisters stopped by and that they had a lovely time just chatting. There were almost no rules and the conversation just wandered from subject to subject with a freedom she hadn't experienced for a while. i am told that it was lovely. The fact that this is the week we face Maundy Thursday, Good Friday, and, thank God, Easter, is also a good reason to ponder both the meaning of relationship and how we are relationally acting. And part of that is friendship.

So I wonder. What is it that defines a friendship? Is it common interests? Compatible personalities? Continued empathy? Physical proximity? Shared experiences? How is it that someone with whom we just clicked initially, frustrates later? Or someone with whom we butted heads becomes a treasure? I don't pretend to be an excellent friend and I am not one who feels the need to have a lot of friends so I am ill suited to advise. But the questions are worth reflection.

I do know this; I count as my friends some whom I see nearly every day. Some I see once or twice a year. Most are a few times a month. The only absolute commonality that I see is that, in each case, the occasion of re-meeting is timeless and the conversation and emotional reaction flows as if never apart. My only other suggestion, for those interested, is to read The Chosen by Chaim Potok and The Human Comedy by William Saroyan. Both are novels that really explore the ideas of friendship and relationship, and, while there are many other excellent reads (since just about every good novel is about relationship) those two have been powerful challenges to me and I recommend them without hesitation.