I Wanted This To Be Easy

In the Gaither Vocal Band's song Through, the lyrics include the lines:

I thought He would just remove it,
but He gently led me through.

I had always recognized that this was a distinct difference from that position we typically assume after realizing our errors, but it really came home the other day. While God certainly could remove the consequences of our mistakes, and while I think he almost always causes to make them less than they could be, I have yet to find a situation were he actually removes them completely.

It is understandable why we would want to have him wipe the whole sin and mistake away. First of all, he could. Second, confession is hard and important. Once confession is made, isn't that the most important part? Isn't it true we just learned a valuable lesson and now we can move on with our life? Third, doesn't the Bible say that His forgiveness is complete?

The answer, of course, is that free will is still the modus operandi. And free will has consequences. In addition, while confession and accountability are hugely important,  and while they are necessary to receive forgiveness, forgiveness of the sin and the effects of the sin are two different things. We may well have forgiveness after owning up to our sin, but God typically does not remove the whole event. Instead, he promises to be with and love us through the residual components of that sin. We still need to plow through the results.

And I find myself in that same situation. About 3/4 of a year ago I realized I wasn't happy with who I was, what my life was about, or what my future appeared to be. As any decent psychologist will tell you, the next step is to own the fact that it is your life and start making changes. I did not need radical changes but more directional or behavioral changes. One particular area dealt with career and finances. And while those changes were necessary, they were not likely to be immediate.

So, I came up with a 5 year plan for reform. One of the most obvious and most immediate steps was the need to get some very old tax issues cleared up. I had some taxes from '97 - '05 which either needed filing or refiling. Both the state and the feds had assumptions for some of those years which were way off and showed significant balances owed. So, for about 2 months last summer, on a nearly every day basis, I ground through my old records (yes, I still had my records from 14 years ago) and completed every last one of the late returns. I felt great for about 2 weeks.

I figured that since I had been obedient and disciplined and had done the hard but necessary thing, the worst was over. Unfortunately, God did not remove the situation. Nor did I get a letter of commendation from either the IRS or the DOR. Instead, now that I had resurfaced and was back on their active radar, things actually got worse. The DOR stepped up collection activity to a point they actually committed some civil rights violations in their aggression. And the IRS decided to start levying everything in site. In a further moment of irony, both departments moved forward with balances based off old erroneously assumed income. It got to a point where my unencumbered assets equaled a few percentage points of  the total assumed dept of over one million dollars.

For a while I got angry and depressed. Hadn't I done the right thing? Wasn't I trying to make things right? Shouldn't my good intentions be honored? Why was I being harassed worse than before I tried to fix things? Slowly, eventually, I realized that, like the song, God wasn't going to take this away but He would be there while I walked through it. In looking at prior examples like this, I realized that the consequences still remained but that the proper thing was to continue to fix my mistakes and that, in that process, God still held the ability to bless.

Today was the final day for the DOR, who has been the most aggressive and also the most willing to stomp on protocol and decency, to respond to an offer of settlement. I have heard nothing, so now I must decide how to proceed. My problem is that for both my health (a local acquaintance actually died of a heart attack last summer after being publicly humiliated over similar issues) and for the protection of the assets I have, I need to invoke a legal power greater than the tax man since the tax man is unwilling to accept my settlement proposal. I do not know exactly what options I have, I don't know what option I'll choose, and I don't know exactly what will happen when I select an option.

What I do know is that God obviously wants me to walk right through the middle of this one, that he clearly wants me to make and own my decision rather than respond to someone else's, and that his plan for me lies down this path. Obedience allows blessing; disobedience not so much. I like blessings. I think I'll choose obedience.