The Summer In Review

It would be both cliche and untrue to say this summer went by quickly. It was complex, full, rich, and profound, but not hasty. Indeed, I cannot remember a summer more patient nor a time in my life when I have been happier.

Not all has been perfect, by any stretch. Much has been two-steps-forward, one-step-back. But I think that is one of the critical differences. Last fall, at a time when I was really struggling with a haunt from my past, a friend of mine asked a stereotypical question; "What's the worst thing that happens?" I was comfortable with this as I had been asked many times before and knew the pat, almost rhetorical answer she would give. So I shrugged my shoulders in smug complacency and waited from some trite answer of the sort I had heard so many times, comfortable that no one knew my darker secrets.

When she continued with the answer, "That Jen leaves you.", I actually started crying for a bit. Never in my wildest dreams did I imagine that someone would see that truth. I can handle a lot and have, but so much of my history is defined by making people artificially comfortable and safe and my world so by extension. But to have it named made all the difference, because, even though I knew that I could not control such ephemeral things as someone's love, I did not own that knowledge. I was still acting in ways which presented a version of myself largely divorced from the warty reality. In that moment, I really came to understand how my history of trying to control for certain outcomes had led to some really screwed-up results.

For those romantics out there, fear not. I have it on good authority that my relationship with Jen is stronger than ever. In fact, I posit that releasing that neurological fear of having to do what ever it took to keep her around has been one of the best quasi marriage counseling events ever. I cannot control what she does. All I can do is try to be real and hope that she likes what she sees.

And this relates directly to this summer as it both allowed me to not pretend that all things in my life were perfect (they are not) and to extend this understanding to my children (now all the age or greater than that of my engagement).

So this summer, while working to reinstate my law license, I applied for quite a number of service industry jobs. I got hired for none of them. Sexism is alive and well in Door County. If you are young and blonde and cute and female, you can make serious money. If you are middle aged and male, good luck.

Instead, I focused on simplifying (more on that in coming posts), exercising, seizing tons of opportunities for life (swimming, boating, kayaking, working on the house, volleyball, biking, lying in the sun, running through the park, etc...), relishing in relationship (I think we only spent one night of the week, on average, alone), and diving into rich artistic projects like the PMF's fantastic performance of Verdi's Requiem and, currently, a premiere theatrical performance at the TAP.

Letting go of controlling my children was blessed. Brynn could run her life without my feeling the need to care (care in the bad way not care in the good way). Lars could progress down his path of independence without my feeling the need to protect Jen. And Hannah could fail at her "emotional vow of silence", without my getting dragged into some sense that I had to fix something. Recognizing more fully that Jen is a fully capable woman who will (no doubt) make up her own decisions and act accordingly, has also been a blessing.

Finally, things continue to crawl toward resolution regarding financial clarity. The store is doing well and my past failings have largely been dragged into the light where the shock has killed some, given sudden growth to a few others, challenged my pride in all, and brought a peace to most. I do not have a perfect life, but I am not about to trade.